Just a Mom? In search of direction

For the school career day my daughter, age 6, wanted to be either a Farmer or Just A Mom. This got me thinking.

I have a continuous thread of chatter in my mind- constant commentary, daily thoughts, running nonsense, whatever you want to call it. It's continuous and difficult to change- not sure I even want to change it, really. When I journal via pen and paper, it seems to quiet it down. However, recently typing it out seems to be a bit swifter, easier, calmer, easier to make decisions and the road becomes a bit clearer. So I'm going to see if this blogging experiment gets my mojo going- I'm looking for forward motion- action to partner with my thoughts.

You see, (and I use "you" lightly as I don't actually believe this will get many readers, if any) I am currently considered a "Stay At Home Mom" or SAHM. I personally don't like this title. I have found it designates a cultural box that is not only uncomfortable, but patronistic, confining and dismissive.

Strong words for one of the exalted women of America, beacon of hope for the young, I know, But, just the same, that's how I feel.

At this point I'm supposed to say something like "but I love it, love being at home with the kids, it's so good for them and the whole family, really" and then listeners of such chatter all feel much more at ease. But not me. For others, I hear myself saying things like "oh, I plan on going back to work soon, just trying to decide what to do" and then I see their slightly anxious (concerned?) look disappear and a more appreciative look take over their face. Some even nod in approval.

[The place of women in our society is fascinating to me- others always seem all to willing to comment on it- as if it's always up for discussion. Tell me, do men also have their place in society discussed in such a public way? At the table at a party, while volunteering at the school, by the pool? I'm thinking no....but hey, I could be wrong! Motherhood was not always seen this way, not until the late 1800s did it become so idealized-- okay, a post for another day]

So, WHY stay at home with uncomfortable feelings? WHY not just go back to work? Just get on with it, right? But are those to questions to ask? The real question is- Why do I need to only consider these questions?

At this point I come up with a whole list of good reasons to stay home: it's good for the kids, I have been out of work too long (5+ yrs now), there are no jobs in the current economy, it would be too disruptive, I haven't: sorted through those bins of mementos/finished painting/learned how to clean/played enough games w/the kids/etc....

Then I longingly read other blogs and articles and books about what other people (particularly women) and I realize that I don't feel I'm traveling on the right road, this road is okay, but it's just not ...right.

I don't want to accept this limited decision process either. I don't want to cleave one from the other- family from work. It's true I don't want to return to work because it would disrupt the family and it's true that I don't want to return to work because I would like to continue to do what I do now- help my daughter with her homework and see her every afternoon, pick up my stepson after play practice and allow him to be with someone instead of alone after school. I want my kids to experience family during the day- even if they hate it and fight, there are people to do that with in the afternoon.

So does that mean I "want it all" as the saying goes? Bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, never let you forget you're a man, etc? Not really. Not that construct- not that paradigm. I am seeing this is not an either/or/combine situation. This is an internal battle supported by a society boxed in to this either/or thinking.

The dilemma is that I want to be at home for them, and I want to accomplish something for me. They really are two entirely different things. One has to do with what I can give to others, and the other has to do with me and only me. However, they are joined at the hip- they are the combined person of me. Now, how to make them dance??

I am developing my own mojo, hutzpuh, power, direction, competence, integrity-- whatever you want to call it. One day at a time, the powers that be leading the way, I'll walk/run this path- and I want it to end at a place where I have accomplished what makes me feel like I've served this world well.

I will start with exercise- walking daily, perhaps running if my foot heals. Writing often, if not daily, reading and getting out in the world.
Thanks for reading