The Knowledge and Ignorance Cat Walk

Having an ADHD child in the family means that most of the parenting advice you get means almost nothing. These kids don't respond to typical parenting advice because they are not responding to typical stimuli. The parents, if it's their first child, are left wondering, “Do I just suck at parenting? Did I make a huge mistake having children? Why doesn't anything work? Why is our family so stressed out? Other families don't seem to experience things the same way. Why doesn't our kid get asked to play with their kids?” and on and on. Only if the family has someone close to them that makes an observation and perhaps a suggestion that they seek help, does it change for kids at a young age. Other families, that feel the issues exist due to moral failures of their own and the child's “willful” personality, suffer for much longer. It's the person's ADHD, but the family's challenge.

Why do I feel so knowledgeable that I could write the above? I'm not entirely sure, one can't complete a scientific analysis on a survey of one very easily- especially of oneself. Perhaps it's due to my experiences and memories. Perhaps it's because of my trial-by-fire exploration through punitive actions and acting on useless parenting tips. Perhaps it's because of the library of books read, hours of appointments kept, days of online discussion and email group comments, weeks of school discussions and explanations, months of frantic worry- all done in near personal isolation. However, not being an “expert” in the formal sense, I will always feel like a student, learning by searching, asking, watching. Always understanding that as the years go by, so do the symptoms change.

But mostly, I feel I know a little about this because our son was diagnosed with ADHD at age 8 after being tossed out of a children's museum. It was the pivotal moment- a turning point. Our son was escorted out by a security guard holding him by the arm who took us not to the front door, but a chain linked fence behind a building near the parking lot- officially “tossed out” because of his outrageous tantrum and foul language display when he learned we had to leave- Yeah, we didn't return for a long time and no, I didn't blame the guard's decision, his action was correct.

This boy's tantrums were not like the others, neither were his responses to typical kid parameters. They could be outrageous and very long lived. However, not having another child to compare with (his sister is 6 yrs younger), and having other parents telling me “oh, our kid has tantrums too, don't worry, just put him on the step for the number of minutes equal to his age” and “oh, all kids do that!” (if I hear that one more time....) didn't work either- he'd just go crazy or act in a way that was surprising- like just taking off and leaving, no matter where we were (even other people's homes). Other kid's tantrums seemed to last minutes, ours lasted hours. Other kids seemed to get over things, ours did not. Other kids were active and could use a romp in the park to tire them out- ours never got tired. Other kids eventually went to sleep, ours stayed up all night- even at age 7-8. Other kids seemed to know when to back down, ours never did.

Except, I never told anyone these details- not only did I not mention time duration or intensity when talking with parents, I didn't mention my feelings either. Admitting powerlessness in the face of other parent's seemingly simple confidence seemed like admitting lunacy or at least parental failure. It couldn't be that bad, right? Clearly we were complainers. And today, when a child is considered “difficult” it's the parents who are to blame. No recourse, they are just failures as parents.

Also, we learned the hard way that when you share these experiences, other parents get nervous and don't want their kids to “catch” it- so social opportunities drop quickly. Giving the family even less support and social interactions.

When I tell the story of the museum, our turning point, I often feel like I'm complaining or at least seen to be complaining, about the child. What I'm really doing is asking for support- but I realize it's using the wrong method. I have found most focus on the child and few ask about the parents. Yet it is the parents who need to seek out help. It is the parents who need guidance to make the right decisions, or at least the “good enough” decisions. It is the parents who can create a supportive environment in the home. But this cannot happen if the parents are held responsible for the behavior of children who are so unable to control themselves. Then the parent will not share, will not seek support, will not feel empowered to make anything happen, they will keep trying...to...make...it...stop.

The day of the museum, we were with a friend's family. She said something like “yeah, it was hard for us to admit our son had ADHD too.” what?? huh?? We talked for a few minutes and then headed home. Our boy was remorseless- seemingly forgetting all about what had just happened. (he pretty much had, actually) I was traumatized, but at least I had something I could research. I had the beginning of a PLAN.

Maybe,
just maybe,
it wasn't my fault.

I ache for parents who do not have a plan- who do not know what they are dealing with so they blame themselves. This of course can prevent them from seeking help. Of course it is very difficult for the child, that's a given, but a young ADHD child is often confused not because they can't change what they do, but because people are upset with them. The parent's confusion comes from not being able to just...make...it...stop.

Funny, the parent cannot make it stop. Neither can the child stop others from being upset with them. There is no magic button. However, with knowledge, there is help. With help, there is an empowered future to make good enough decisions and calm the family down.

Perhaps some families, who have kids w/out ADHD first, don't have a similar experience- I often wonder what would have happened if our kids were in reverse order-- maybe nothing would be different though- hard to determine fantasy.